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Also known, more commonly, as "Action-RPG," the Hack-n-Slash genre is
called such by me because it literally has nothing to do with what I
consider role-playing. Frequently there is little or no character
generation (though there is usually some degree of customization), and
no conversations or actions will actually result in a change of the
overall storyline. You cannot choose between good or evil: you are
always good. Thus, no role-playing. Due to my own personal method of
defining and categorizing RPGs, some games that others consider "action-RPGs"
(like Icewind Dale and Jade Empire, for example) are grouped in my
Role-Playing Games section as a result. If
you can't find what you're looking for here, check there.
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Version(s) I own:
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Rating:
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Short Review:
I have no idea why I like this game so much. There, I admitted it.
But I still can't deny the fact that I do like it! It's fun!
Gameplay-wise, it basically consists of creating a character and
then watching him fight enemies (since the game practically plays
itself, as your character runs and fights enemies on his own most of
the time), though this is occasionally interrupted by chugging a
potion (for which there is actually an animation in this game) or
switching your spell or weapon. But somehow this didn't really bore
me. The huge variety in spells and weapons, along with the variety
of enemies and pretty, vast environments kept me going just fine.
The entire game takes place in a single huge world, with no load
times at all between areas. You can wander as much as you like! The
story is your basic fantasy fare, and it sort of keeps in the
background, just there to serve as enough reason for you to continue
wandering through the world, from town to town (yes, there are TONS
off towns in this game, which I appreciate in a hack-n-slash). The
game is most fun when played multiplayer (more races are also
available in MP mode, including dwarves and skeletons), where there
is a bit more to see and do, but single-player is also highly
entertaining, since you have the ability to gather companions and
even pack mules to carry your stuff. Your party can swell to EIGHT
strong! I've played through this game more times than I can count...
once with a full party of characters, once with just my main
character and seven pack mules, once with my brother and sister
multiplayer... etc. In fact, all in all, I'd say it's probably my
favorite hack-n-slash of all time. By the way, if you have Dungeon
Siege II or are considering buying it because you think it will be
more advanced than the original due to the number behind its name...
DON'T. DS1 is way more fun, and in my opinion the graphics are far
prettier as well (DS2 actually uses THE SAME in-game character
models, only with more detailed textures, which somehow only results
in making them look even uglier... and then of course there's the
hideous art style). In the end, I've enjoyed good old Dungeon Siege way too
much to rate it less than four stars. If you need a good relaxing
dungeon romp just for a bit of mindless fun, try out Dungeon Siege.
The original, not the sequel. |
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| If you're like me and you just can't enough Dungeon Siege (even if,
also like me, you don't know why)... then yes, Legends of Aranna
might be worth picking up. If, however, you have any reluctance at
all... then no, stay away from it. Because all in all, this game
(produced by the relatively unknown little company "Mad Doc
Software" instead of Gas-Powered Games like the original DS), is not
at all up to par with Dungeon Siege itself. The new storyline is
extremely goofy, and adds perhaps the most ridiculous new items I
have ever seen in a fantasy game (and that is really saying
something). I mean, just listen to some of these: A fly-wing
hauberk? A wooden sword with a clock built into the
crosspiece? A ceramic club? How about a RUBBER club? You will find
all of these outrageously laughable items in Dungeon Siege: Legends
of Aranna... and more! And while it provides more Dungeons to Siege
and a new playable race (big black guys), the game is sometimes
better off without Aranna's intrusions. It sometimes disturbs me to
find a Clockwork item amongst the loot in the areas of the original
DS1 campaign... and there are few effects that would have been
better left out. For example, there is one attack bonus randomly
applied to some items you can find that adds "fear damage." The
visual effect for this is three yellow circles floating around your
weapon. For some reason it really bugs me, because this mysterious
"fear damage" always seems to make the items GREAT as far as overall
damage is concerned... so nine times out of ten, I end up wielding
another fear item! I know that seems like a somewhat random
nitpicky complaint, but it bugs me. Anyway, as you can see, I'm not
a big fan of LoA... but hey, it's still Dungeon Siege, so it's okay
I guess. |
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Version(s) I own:
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Rating:
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Short Review:
This game defines itself as an action-RPG, but it's actually much
more of an FPS. It runs on the Source engine, the same engine as
Half-Life 2. And the game really is pretty decent. It's got a fun
application of the swords and sorcery style to the FPS genre,
something I love to see. Up-close fighters can concentrate on their
skill with swords and shields, distance fighters can concentrate on
bows and archery, mages can concentrate on staves and spells, and
roguish types can concentrate on backstabbing, sneaking, and picking
locks. Or you can mix and match these skills as much as you want,
adding great variety to the gameplay. Playing this game will make
you wonder "why aren't the Elder Scrolls games more like this?"
Oblivion could learn a lot about how first-person games should
work from Dark Messiah. It also makes much better use of its physics
engine. Oblivion only had a few traps that relied on physics every
now and then... Dark Messiah lets you make use of them nearly ALL
the time. In fact, sometimes a bit too much... there are almost too
many convenient traps, and use of the kick ability can send enemies
flying to a sometimes disappointingly easy death. As for story, Dark
Messiah definitely presents its tale better than Oblivion, and makes
it more exciting... but the story itself is as cliché as they come,
and you'll find yourself cringing at many of the corny lines that
the mediocre voice actors are asked to pull off. Only the option of
two different romances and endings saves it from being totally
cliché. You get a choice between a hot, seductive demoness named
Xana who has sworn her service to you and saves your life at least
once or twice during the story... or a squeaky-voiced somewhat ugly
damsel in distress who is constantly putting you in danger and being
generally worthless and annoying. This may be one of the only times
where I chose the more "evil" path with the demon lady and never
regretted it in the slightest. I tried the good ending by banishing
Xana, but then I felt like a total jerk for abandoning her despite
the fact that she's saved my life multiple times and I usually
agreed with everything she said. If you decide to do this, then
you're a real asshole. Wow, I sure have wandered off on a tangent,
haven't I? Anyway, suffice to say that the story is interesting and
varied enough to keep you from losing interest, thanks to the fun
gameplay. At times the game feels a bit cheap, but hey, it's still
good solid fun, and it gets extra points from me for being a
medieval/fantasy FPS, a rare sight that I always look forward to. I
recommend playing it. |
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Version(s) I own:
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Rating:
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Short Review:
It may be Baldur's Gate in name only (for the real Baldur's Gate,
see my RPG section), but it's still a pretty good game.
Lots of weapons and armor? Check. Great medieval fantasy atmosphere?
Check. Outstanding musical score and great voice acting? Check.
2-player co-op? Check. Isn't that enough for you? Okay, so the
gameplay is somewhat lacking (you slash and drink potions - but
that's what a hack-n-slash is all about right?), and the game feels rushed near the
end, but it's still worth it. This was the first fantasy game I ever
played, and the first thing even close to an RPG, and it was what
led me toward my purchasing what has since become my favorite game
of all time: Baldur's Gate II (the PC ones, found in my RPG
section)... so it always holds a special place in my pile of PS2
games. As a result, its rating may be somewhat influenced by
nostalgia, but hey, I can get away with that (although my nostalgia
is tainted by my resentment every time a console-gamer refers to
Dark Alliance as "Baldur's Gate," thereby tainting the name of the
greatest PC role-playing games ever, of which they have no knowledge
at all). But anyway, this game had quite an influence on the world
of console hack-n-slashes (not exactly an intellectual place, but
hey). Seriously, it spawned dozens of RPGs that played exactly the
same and often ran on the same engine, just because Dark Alliance
was so popular. And none of these follow-ups still managed to match
up to the appeal of the original. It's a fun and surprisingly
absorbing hack-n-slash that will suck you right into its fantasy
atmosphere. It will never rank even half as high as its PC
counterparts, but it's still fun. Give it a try. |
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Version(s) I own:
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Rating:
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Short Review:
Much like Dungeon Siege, Gladius is a game that I almost fail to
understand why I enjoyed so much. Artistically, it's *almost* as bad
as
Fable, a game I could not play because of its out-of-proportion, cartoony, "extreme" art style. Still, Gladius managed to keep my
attention somehow, and I think it was the gameplay. The game
revolves around a central set of heroes and their cliché "epic"
story, which is often corny to the extreme (especially considering
how cringe-worthy some of the voice actors are, especially the main
character Valens). Luckily, you can pretty much ignore the story if
you want to. Personally, I skipped nearly every cutscene and simply
played the game. Gameplay-wise, you take your band of heroes and
travel from town to town in a mythology-based setting (which
consists of Norse, Greco-Roman, Oriental, and Arabian influences...
the "North, West, East, and South" as it were), fighting in the
gladiator rings in each town using your "school" of customizable
gladiators that you can hire (they rage from human gladiators to
animals and even monsters like minotaurs). The fighting is
turn-based, in which you choose your starting positions in the arena
and then direct your gladiators one by one, choosing where to move
and what attacks to use, and then hitting the right spot on a slider
to determine your damage. All of this makes the game a lot more
strategic than some other turn-based games, like, say, Final
Fantasy. As you advance in levels you can get some really awesome
powers, and there are a lot of secrets to find in the game as well
(including secret characters, items, and unlockable abilities). All
in all, I had a lot of fun playing through the game two or three
times. I guess I just enjoy any game that lets me customize a party
of characters. Heh. |
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Version(s) I own:
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Rating:
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Short Review:
Titan Quest has practically everything you could ever ask for from a
hack-n-slash. The graphics are stunning, in full 3D with lots of
great visual effects and vast scenery. There is a wide variety of
character classes with lots of powers you can mix and match as much
as you like. There are tons and tons of items, some of which look
(seriously) downright awesome. Lots of monsters to fight,
interspersed with challenging bosses. Perhaps the most lacking area
is the customization of your character's actual appearance - you
basically pick male or female, your name, and then the color of your
tunic (which you can dye a wider array of colors later in the game
anyway). Still, this is hardly noticeable when you're playing. The
most appealing thing about the whole game to me is the classical
mythological art style (which ranges from Greek to Egyptian to
Chinese as you travel), which I found a refreshing break from the
typical what-I-call "extreme fantasy" fare of other hack-n-slash
games like Dungeon Siege II. Oh, and the music and sound effects and
voice acting are all pretty decent as well. The story is safely
ignorable, falling right along the formula of most hack-n-slashes
(big evil demon guy has broken free after years of imprisonment,
evil plagues the land, bla bla bla). And yet, despite all these
great things going for the game... there is something intangible
that the game simply lacks. Somehow, it just lacks...
passion, lacks emotion. It can bore you very quickly (especially if
you're playing alone instead of multiplayer), just because it lacks
this sort of... drive to it. As I said, it's hard to put your finger
on, but you can definitely tell something is missing. Still, if
you're a hack-n-slash gamer (like a Diablo II nut), then you'll be
used to it... and in my opinion, this game is better than Diablo II
in almost every way (except perhaps storytelling). All in all, it's
slightly above average. If you're bored and/or just want to relax
with a mindless hack-n-slash fest, give it a shot! |
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| I think I already mentioned
that Titan Quest has just about everything you could ask for in a
hack-n-slash, right? Right. Well, as expected, Immortal Throne adds
more of the same... and then some. There's a new class available,
new items and customization options, and many new areas to explore
(specifically the Underworld). Some of the upgrades really
streamline the gamplay, and I found myself thinking "Why doesn't
EVERY hack-n-slash include options like this?" which is actually
something I found myself thinking throughout the first Titan Quest
as well. Sometimes a long-term action-RPG player like myself gets
the feeling that games take dungeon-romping almost as a job, like a
chore, rather than a game. Kill monsters, collect loot, sell loot
for better items, level up, kill more monsters, lather, rinse,
repeat. Well, many of the options in Titan Quest: Immortal Throne
make the burden of the chore a bit less taxing. I'm kind of going
off on a tangent though. I don't mean to say the game has no variety
at all. Indeed, there is actually a bit more variety in Immortal
Throne than there was in the original, and some of the boss fights
really stand out (fighting the Underworld boatman Charon on top of a
bridge above the River Styx as he shoots jets of death-water at you
springs to mind). All in all though, it's still Titan Quest. If you
enjoyed TQ, get it. If you didn't, don't. |
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Version(s) I own:
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Rating:
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Short Review:
I recall being gravely disappointed in this game when I first
purchased it after enjoying the original Dark Alliance so much.
Sure, there are more characters to pick from, but that's where the
advantages end if you ask me. The atmosphere of this game is
decidedly less absorbing than the original, and the impressive
musical score crafted by Jeremy Soule in the original Dark Alliance
is shamelessly re-used here, and mixed with the music he made for
another (and far superior) Black Isle game, Icewind Dale. So they're
stealing the music from their own games? Bad move. The storyline is
quite cheesy (you're fighting a vampire that wears white, after
all), and somehow the entire game feels less polished than the
original. Still, there is actually a bit more variety to be found.
There are now five characters: an elf necromancer (who lacks really
cool spells like magic missile and fireball), a dwarven thief,
a human barbarian, a human cleric (who looks... fat), and a dark
elf monk (ugh... what a hateful combination - I'm sure
the average role-player loves her, which is one reason I don't).
Personally, I think they all look stupid and find them far less
appealing than the standard fare (human archer, elf wizard, dwarf
fighter) from the last game. Still, I do have to admit that DA2 is
still better than most hack-n-slashes... even others that run on the
same engine. So if you enjoyed the first DA, then you might as well
get it. |
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Version(s) I own:
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Rating:
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Short Review:
Another hack-n-slash along the lines of Dark Alliance, this is
probably the best of them all besides DA 1 & 2 themselves. Unlike
those two games, this one features FOUR-player co-op instead of two,
and the characters are fairly generic and likeable, unlike in DA2.
Don't let the "extreme"-looking art on the box fool you; the
characters don't look nearly that pumped-up and ridiculous in the
game itself. When you first open up the game, you'll notice that
"play with friends" or something along those lines is actually
written ON THE CD ITSELF. This is because it is VERY good advice. If
you play this alone, the gameplay will bore you and so will the
extremely (even for an action-RPG) cheesy and cliché "plot."
However, when played with friends, it can actually be quite
entertaining. Just imagine a somewhat cheaper-feeling Dark Alliance
with four players and characters instead of just two, and that's
pretty much D&D Heroes. It lacks the polish and the atmospheric feel
of Dark Alliance, but the 4-player co-op makes up for it. There's
also the fact that you can zoom in alot farther (although having
four players on the screen makes it hard to do), something I
appreciate for some reason. Did I mention it was 4-player co-op?
Yeah, that's why you want to buy it. If you don't have at least one
other person to play with, skip this game. |
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Version(s) I own:
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Rating:
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Short Review:
Ah, the dread father of the "action-RPG" genre... the first and the
last, which seems that it cannot completely die. Even if you hate
the genre, it seems like just about everyone loves Diablo II.
Everyone's played it, and all of them enjoyed it... except for me.
Personally, I found it dreadfully dull and was barely able to finish
it, even playing multiplayer (the most popular method, naturally).
Sure, it's a solid title, with most everything a hack-n-slash needs
(it set the standard, after all), but I never found it all that
compelling. I think the chief reason for this is that I hated the
dark, gritty atmosphere - a feature that some players absolutely
love. Personally, however, when I'm going to relax with a bit of
mindless fun, I'd rather not do it in a game that's gloomy and
foreboding... I prefer the sunny, relaxing atmosphere of Dungeon
Siege or Titan Quest. Also, if you ask me, the game lacks variety
compared to its modern cousins. Character customization is severely
limited, and most of the items are specialized to only one
particular character type... and nearly all of them look almost
exactly the same. By far the best thing about the game is Blizzard's
classic cinematic cutscenes that advance the story. But these are
few and far between, and not nearly enough to keep me interested. In
fact, I was barely into Chapter II when I called the game quits,
cheated to watch all of the cutscenes, and then never played it
again. Sorry, Diablo die-hards. It's just boring. |
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Version(s) I own:
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Rating:
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Short Review:
There really isn't that much to say about these games. They were
made by EA to scoop up their share of the money from the success of
the Lord of the Rings films, so they were made to follow the films
as closely as possible. They look just like them, have music from
the movies, and most of the characters are voiced by the original
actors, and even motion-captured from them. Since I loved the Lord
of the Rings movies so much, this was all fine with me. However,
gameplay isn't the greatest out there. You just hack and slash and
hack and slash, accumulating kills and occasionally leveling up to
unlock new powers and become stronger and tougher. There are some
unlockable characters and levels that can be achieved, but other
than that, there's no reason to play them much. As you can see,
there are two games I'm reviewing here. The first is The Two Towers
(which I have for the PS2), which follows the story of the first and
second films, and second is Return of the King (which I have for the
Xbox), which follows the story of the third film. All in all, Return
of the King is the better game, if only for one reason: it includes
two-player co-op. |
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Version(s) I own:
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Rating:
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Short Review:
If you've seen the completely ridiculous "calendar babes," then
you've seen all there is to see about Champions of Norrath. If not,
then avoid them, as they're not that great. The game? Oh, there's
the occasional scantily-clad NPC that the camera will zoom up on,
but your own character is so low-resolution and typically so far
away from the camera that it's hardly even worth being a
scantily-clad, buxom female. You think that a game that advertises
so much with suggestive content would at least let you see some of
it. But no, we are forced to content ourselves with playing a crappier
copy of Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance (the game runs on the same
engine), which, even though it has more character customization and
supports up to four-player co-op, is somehow just not at as fun. The
story and atmosphere fall far short of Dark Alliance, as does the
rather out-of-place and often annoying music, which was surprisingly
created by Inon Zur, who did the stellar soundtrack for the far,
far, far superior game Baldur's Gate II: Throne of Bhaal. Anyway,
there are plenty of monsters to kill and plenty of loot to find and
weapons and armor to buy, but all of it somehow falls flat. Where
the game struck me the worst was at a certain part where your
adventurer actually leaps into some kind of iron-clad, steam-powered
tractor and drives through molten lava to get where he
(probably she) needs to go. After seeing this, and the inch-high,
corny little gnomes that tell you about it, I gave up on the game
entirely and returned it to the store. Okay, okay, so I later bought
it back (seriously) and finished it just because I was that bored at
the time. I guess the game is pretty good if you have friends to
play with cooperatively, and it achieves an average score of 2.5
only because of the DA engine being fun to play co-op. But
otherwise, avoid it. |
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Version(s) I own:
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Rating:
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Short Review:
I have to admit, Champions: Return to Arms is better than its
predecessor in at least one way: the "calendar babes" are actually
kinda hot this time. Oh, and they had those paintings by Julie Bell
and Boris Vallejo, and those totally awesome ads with the supermodel
in medieval fantasy gear... those were great. In fact, go to
gamebanshee.com and look at the Wallpaper page in the Champions:
Return to Arms section. Okay, now you've seen the best thing the
game has to offer. Seriously. Have you played Champions of Norrath?
Then you've played this game. Have you read my review of Champions
of Norrath? Then you've read my review of this game. Because
seriously, it is almost no different at all. Suffice to say that if
Champions of Norrath were a PC game (and I wish, like I do with all
console games, that it was), then Return to Arms would be an
expansion pack. One of the "improvements," the ability to choose
between good and evil sides to fight for, sounds great on paper...
but is actually pitiful in the game. Choosing between good and evil
only changes which scantily-clad, poorly voice-acted female will
give you your orders, and maybe a few other superficial differences.
The missions, monsters, objectives, and results are otherwise
exactly the same. Aside from this "upgrade," the game also contains
two new playable races: tiger-people and lizard-people. What the
heck? Unless the ads have it all wrong, I though the point of this
game was to play as a scantily-clad female! And heck, even if you're
some kind of furry-fetish sicko freak, the game will still
disappoint you, as female beast-folk are not available. Anyway,
where was I? Oh yeah, like the other game, Return to Arms is only
good if you have others to play it with, and even then it might end
up boring you. Exactly like the first game. |
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Version(s) I own:
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Rating:
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Short Review:
I've seen this game on store shelves for way too long. First, I saw
it in a rather big box that said "Dungeon Lords," then in another
big box that said "Dungeon Lords: Collector's Edition" for a
slightly lower price, and last I saw it in a very small CD case for
only $10. Finally, I gave in and bought the last one. After all, it
was only $10, and I thought if it had been on store shelves this
long and been re-released this many times, then there must be
something to it. And now that I've played it? I wonder how it ever
got on store shelves at all. It feels like a game that was thrown
together by a bunch of guys in someone's basement. If I had
downloaded it on a second-rate website I would have been impressed.
But for a store-bought game, it has a definite "user-made" feel,
especially to the mediocre (though admittedly not terrible)
graphics, that detracts a great deal from the overall quality.
Music, sound effects, and voice acting are all sub-par as well. The
game itself is pretty decent, I guess. It's played from the third
person view, and you can run, jump, slash this way and that, and
block. You can also switch weapons and cast spells. Yeah, standard
hack-n-slash stuff. The gameplay is somewhat like Morrowind combined
with Dungeon Siege, as strange as that sounds. Although the game
isn't really as good as either of those (yes, even
bore-o-wind). If the graphics were better and the overall
presentation was more professional, it might have gotten an above
average rating. But due to these defects, I simply can't rate the
game even average. If you DO decide to give Dungeon Lords a spin,
pay as little for it as you can, and be sure to get the Collector's
Edition, as it's the only one that includes any real character
customization, and it fixes many bugs, or so I hear. But honestly,
unless you're desperately bored and love any kind of dungeon
romp, it's not really worth it. |
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Version(s) I own:
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Rating:
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Short Review:
Disappointing as hell. That's the only way to describe Dungeon Siege
II. In case you didn't notice, I loved the original Dungeon Siege.
Loved it. So when DS2 came out, I was extremely excited. Boy
was I in for a surprise. In all the wrong ways, this game is exactly
like the original Dungeon Siege: the graphics, for example, are
almost exactly the same (only with more high-res textures, which
actually manages to make the game look worse due to the art style).
And in all the wrong ways, the game is totally different (but not at
all better) than the original Dungeon Siege: the pretty, open
atmosphere of the game is replaced by one that is cramped and gloomy
as heck; the fun medieval/fantasy art style is replaced by
completely ridiculous, pumped-up, "extreme" fantasy garbage; and the
story tries way too hard to be engaging, which loses the wandering
adventurer appeal of the first game entirely. Especially since you
hardly even "wander," as there are only two or three towns now, and
you can teleport between them with the click of a button. In other
words, everything I liked about the original Dungeon Siege is
flushed down the toilet! The only way this game is at all "improved"
over the first one (and it's laughable to say it is at all) is that
there are a wide array of class-specific powers now available, and
many more "pets" besides simply pack mules (although the mules are
still there, thank God). But this is like putting some nice filling
deep inside a completely rotten doughnut filled with razor-sharp
shrapnel and covered in maggots. Seriously, that is how much I hate
this game. Sometimes my siblings and I will talk about how much fun
we had playing the original Dungeon Siege and say, "Hey, wouldn't it
be great if they made a sequel?" Then we exchange sad laughter when
we remember this horrible piece of crap. |
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| It's rare that I actually rate an expansion pack higher than the
original game. But Dungeon Siege II's expansion, Broken World,
deserves it... if only because DS2 itself was so crappy that it's
hard to be any worse. It's still got the same dark, gloomy
atmosphere as DS2 and the same ridiculous "extreme" fantasy art
style, but it's actually a slightly better game, if only because it
adds so many improvements to DS2 itself. There are lots of new
features to streamline gameplay (every hack-n-slash expansion pack
has those), as well as tons of new spells and items and abilities,
and all that good stuff. Oh, and DWARVES! I recall when DS2 was
first coming out, I e-mailed the company directly and complained
that the game now included elves... but no longer included dwarves.
I got a decent response that basically said "we can't tell you about
that." When the game came out, it had no dwarves. But then, when I
saw the box for Broken World, I flipped it over and read "By popular
demand, play as a mighty DWARF!" Woah! They actually listened! So
simply out of gratitude that they listened to their fans, including
myself, and added back in one of the coolest things about the
original game, I purchased Broken World (I was originally not
planning to buy it because of my disappointment with DS2... see my
review of it for details). All in all, Broken World does improve the
game, and I found the campaign slightly more interesting in some
ways (some of the environments are pretty cool, like the burning
forest), though it was also even more dark and morbid... Ah well, at
least it had dwarves. |
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Version(s) I own:
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Rating:
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Short Review:
Gauntlet: Seven Sorrows certainly isn't boring. You pick your
character from a limited selection, you begin running and slashing
your way through hordes of enemies, and then... it's over.
Seriously, the game doesn't leave you TIME to get bored. I finished
it in two days, and I wasn't even trying! If you're a gamer of any
experience at all, you can probably roll through this game in a
single sitting. The gameplay is okay as far as hacking and slashing
goes, but finding items simply consists of opening chests you find,
at which point your character is automatically updated, with better
weapons and armor. That's right: no inventory, no buying and
selling, no character customization at all. You just hack and slash.
And then it's over. The game feels pretty solid and has decent
graphics and music, and it can be entertaining for a short while if
you play it co-op... but it is in no way worth paying full price for
a game this short and simple. All in all, it's probably the biggest
waste of money I've ever spent on a video game. |
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Version(s) I own:
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Rating:
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Short Review:
This game is a tragedy. Of all of the sad, pitiful games that EA
Games cranked out based on the Lord of the Rings movies, The Third
Age is the worst... and that's saying something. The graphics are
about the same as the other Lord of the Rings games (Return of the
King, etc.), which means they're not that great, and the sound,
music, etc., are all directly taken from the movies, which means
they're spectacular. But nothing is even close to "spectacular"
about the game itself. I've never played Final Fantasy, but from
what I've heard, The Third Age has almost exactly the same gameplay...
and the gameplay is abysmal. Your team of characters stands on one
side in a little row, facing the enemies standing on the other side
in another little row. Then you pick an attack from a very limited
list, and your character jumps forward to hit the enemy, only to
jump right back when he is done. That's all. No strategy involved
whatsoever! What's the point of a game being turn-based when it has
NO strategic advantage?! But that's not even the worst thing about
the game. The worst thing of all is the pitiful "storyline." You
play as the extremely generic and frightfully dull main character,
the Gondorian human soldier named Berethor. He's aided by this
blatant Arwen-ripoff elf woman named... I forget what, and a gang of
other characters that are also blatant ripoffs of the main
Fellowship: a Gimli ripoff, an Eowyn ripoff, etc. If you think I'm
exaggerating by calling them extreme ripoffs, get this: the Eowyn
ripoff (who, seemingly just to confuse Tolkein nerds, has the same
name as Theoden's mother) is a woman who pretends to be a man
in order to fight for her country, who gets grievously wounded at
the Battle of Pelennor Fields, and who has to be healed by
Aragorn himself. Does any of that sound famliar? HUH?! To make
matters worse, throughout the entire game, your crew mindlessly
follows in the tracks of the Fellowship itself through all three
movies, essentially proving that their existence is pointless,
except when they take a time-out to break canon and actually AID the
Fellowship in key battles! That's right; I bet you didn't know that
Gandalf could never have defeated the Balrog without help from this
band of boring losers, did you? To give the story some sense of
being at all worthwhile (even though it fails), the creators decided
to give Berethor some kind of generic destiny and crap. All of this
is pulled off in the corniest cutscenes you can possibly imagine -
seriously, I cringe just thinking about them. I felt embarrassed for
everyone involved with the development of this trash just by playing
it. The stupidity grows and grows to epic proportions, culminating
in the last straw: your party actually frickin' climbs atop the
great tower of Barad-Dur, and slashes at Sauron's eye with their
swords. If that right there doesn't convince you of just how
unbelievably idiotic this game is, then nothing will. If it weren't
for the fact that this is Lord of the Rings, I would give it less
than a single star. And if only EA Games had a brain among them,
they would actually make a REAL LotR RPG instead of this trash. Thank God I only rented this game and never
bought it. Do the whole world a favor, and never, ever play this
game. |
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